Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dear Chevy Volt Driver

Dear Chevy Volt Driver,

I was driving down the freeway today when I spotted you blowing by me on my right.  At first I didn't pay much attention.  I figure if you like looking at the right-side of my car so much, who am I to stop you -- there are fewer door dings over there.  However, your brand-new-dealer-plate-oddly-awesome looking car caught my attention.  "Wow!  It's a Chevy Volt!  I've never seen one in person before," I thought as you swerved awkwardly through the traffic.  "Impressive, it looks good, has serious zip (as demonstrated), and is better for the environment!  I think Chevy has done this hybrid right."

As I sat there admiring the striking lines of your car, you cut off a fully-loaded pickup truck carrying five people and a bed full of cargo.  "It's okay, I bet that guy's on a test drive.  People always drive like that on test drives -- you have to see how your car/economical-hybrid performs on the edge!"

I pulled off the exit towards work thinking I had bid your maniacally-swerving-and-speeding self goodbye only to find you two cars ahead of me on the offramp.  "Funny, I wonder if he works where I do.  Sweet, I get to check out his car for longer.  I wish he would stay in one lane long enough for me to really get a good look.  That car is pretty hot!"

Finally, I follow behind you to the left turn towards my building.  Instead of making the left in an ordinary fashion, I see you swerve your awesome-looking hybrid sharply to the right before whipping the wheel back left and gassing it to make the turn, narrowly missing the two full shuttle busses unloading dozens of my coworkers onto the curb.

Chevy Volt Driver, WHAT THE HELL.  Where did you learn to drive like that, Speed Racer?  That is NOT the fastest way around that turn you dumbass.  Did you think you were all badass flicking right then left trying to get a "better line" so you can get to your cubical faster?  Your line was total CRAP.  If you knew anything about driving, you'd know what you did is called a Scandinavian Flick and is completely inappropriate for that situation.  What a freaking newbie.

Oh yeah, my shuttle-riding coworkers and I are thankful that you apparently can't Scandinavian Flick properly and therefore did not "rally it up" into our asses.  See you tomorrow, douchebag.

Sincerely Yours,

P.S. Nice car!

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